makeshift resident.

breathing first. then food. and drink. and sleep.

to make us alive.

but what does it mean, to be alive…

to breathe, to eat, to drink, to sleep…?

those basic needs would hardly stir up a desire to live.

so first? maybe love. family. friends. strangers. peers in this world.

to make us alive.

maybe raindrops and snow and sunshine and freezing cold hands that remind us how we like to be warm.

maybe riding bikes at night or sleeping under the sun.

maybe hurt to make us feel. and then love to make us heal.

something more than day in and day out….sunrise to sunset…

maybe lonliness to empasize the importance of relationships.

children to remind us that life is so good.

and old people to remind us that it is so short.

maybe hearts on fire for something beyond ourselves.

and knowing a God who extends to us life that can’t compare to anything else we might scrounge up here on this spinning sphere.

plans.

i am not a planner. but when i plan, i do so with the utmost expectation and excitement. i never write them down in daily calendar books or school provided planners, i simply build them up in my head until they are bulging out of my skull and sending thrills of excitement down my spine. this month i made plans. plans to move to kansas city and live in close community with dear friends. plans to live in the same city as the boy i love and plans for all the adventures we would have. plans to move away from maryville and only return to pay my respects to the town and people that have shaped so much of me in the past 4 years. plans to become a kansas city resident for real, which i’ve been desiring for a good few years now. these were my plans. and partially still are.

yesterday was a hard day for me. in fact the past few weeks have been quite trying. i have been attempting to tie together all the loose ends that would keep me in maryville. i have sold things, notified both of my bosses that i will not be returning, and done a whole lot of packing. in my head that is. everyone knows i wont REALLY start packing till the day before i leave. but yesterday my heart was so unsettled. nothing felt right. my roommate that i had planned on living with up here let me know that she is having trouble finding a replacement. may is approaching impatiently and i still have an apartment under my name. i also registered for summer classes yesterday. and discovered that one i need to take and was planning on taking this summer is no longer offered. it is offered here in the fall. three days a week. everything felt so stressed so i did the obvious. i called my mom. and she told me to get on my face and pray. so i did. and i fell asleep praying. and when i woke up things still didnt feel right about kansas city. this was not the answer i was looking for. so i put off accepting it for a few more hours. and then i gave in.

i know there is a reason i will be in maryville one more semester. maybe there is someone i am supposed to meet and become great friends with. or maybe i’m supposed to nurture old relationships that have grown apart. or maybe i’m supposed to learn more about this being alone thing. and more about taking the focus off of myself. whatever the reason, i can honestly say that i am at peace with it. and i feel a strange excitement building up from some hidden place in my heart. because i am not a planner. but i believe God is. and i feel good about leaving the planning up to him. i think His organizational skills might be a bit more perfected than mine. i WILL be in kansas city for the summer. and i am so excited for what that holds. i intend on fulfilling those plans of living in community with dear friends and having all kinds of adventures with those i love. and then i will step into the unplanned. which i believe might be the most exciting plan of all.

tumblr,

i have taken a vacation from you and for that i am sorry. but you are only a blog so i am really not that sorry.

now that we have that out of the way, let me say where life has taken me…

i am currently residing in the tropical and mountainous paradise named branson, mo. my family and i are staying in a condo, which, contrary to popular belief, i did not grow up in. my parents and i made our way up to a little village by the river this morning and rode our bikes along the water. i wore a tanktop and i was warm. my face is a little sunburned tonight. after the ride we made our way to some thrift stores where i found some boots for $2. what a blessing. i found some other treasures as well. that was nice. then off to springfield to pick up little sister. then back to branson. then fish for dinner. then rummikub (i lost both games). then a fruit bar for desert. now this.

update: i am now eating chicken and fish. my mom believes i don’t get enough protein and my hair will fall out.

i miss lucas and kansas city and all the people she houses.